By Kirby Vickery from the January 2012 Edition
A New Years gift to Manzanillo Sun readers from “Kirby”
Aquarius: January 20 through February 18:
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Pisces: February 19 through March 20:
You have a vivid imagination and often think you’re being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influences over your associates, and people resent you for flaunting it at your peers. You lack confidence in yourself and are generally a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.
Aries: March 21 through April 19:
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, inpatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Taurus: April 20th through May 20:
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a Communist.
Gemini: May 21 through June 20:
You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini’s are known for committing incest.
Cancer: June 21 through July 22:
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo: July 23 through August 22:
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are a fake and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.
Virgo: August 23 through September 22:
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra: September 23 through October 22:
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. Almost all Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio: October 23 through November 21:
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21:
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
Capricorn: December 22 through January 19:
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorn’s should avoid standing still too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
NEW YEARS EVE RESOLUTIONS
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
- I will no longer waste my time relieving the past; instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
- I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
- I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
- I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
- I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
- I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
- I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
- I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
- I will stop sending E-Mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- I will think of a password other than “password.”
- I will not tell the same story at every get together.
- I won’t worry so much.
- I will cut my hair.
- I will grow my hair.
- I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!
- I will be more imaginative.
- I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
- I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number